TRANSFORMATION

There are all kinds of transformations we go through in life, and magic. Ironically, transformation is constant for something so chaotic and fluid. It is the tower card of our lives.

As many of you know, I lost my husband last year, and it has been very difficult. I promised to give myself at least a year and a day to be as numb as I needed, to grieve or be depressed or anything else that came my way. I was set to accept the process, whatever it brought. And it brought many surprises.

There have been many wonderful things that came, like the creation of Haven and the many community members who shared my property and surrounded me. While I have been in the abyss of depression before, grief is its own critter. 

What took me by surprise was the downward swing that came after all the wonderful. You know the stuff that comes when the dust settles and you are all alone. While I have housemates and am not fully alone, the element of water and all its emotions came like a personal tsunami that made me an island.

Right in front of those closest to me, I withdrew, and my many skills were helpless for a time. Even medication changes, while helpful, could not stand against the might of the water element and its mission of transformation.

It was not until my therapist said something about dealing with grief in a house full of memories, the place where I cared for Mike and where he had passed, that I got a glimmer of inspiration.

This is when I began redecorating the house and getting rid of more stuff. The biggest help was moving the couch Mike had imprinted on and covering it. This seemed to break my connection to all his residual depression. Then, my pal Phaedra Bonewits mentioned Florida water. This, too, was a great help.

And whether it was Mike haunting the house or just part of my process, the effect and dialogue were the same. But these two things,  along with vitamins, seem to have calmed the waters. The fact that I am even writing again is a testament to the turning of the tide.

This is when I realized I was in the tower card mode of transformation. My therapist is a pretty cool dude and knowledgeable about grief. It was his words informing me that I needed to recreate my life and how I wanted to live AFTER MIKE. These were painful words, “After Mike,” as it implies letting go, and with letting go comes letting others in, that’s scary when you feel so vulnerable.

The tower card implies tearing down the old coping skills, among other things, and I am now certainly doing that as I re-gather and re-create myself. Shoot, our whole nation is in tower card energy right now too, so I was feeling some of that as well. The point being, we are all in one phase of transformation or another, like snakes shedding their skin, rubbing against sharp rocks to get free of the old, and enduring the process to become new.

Each day, there is progress, often unseen or unfelt, while in our process, but it is there. Progress and transformation are symbiotic with each other, as are the tower and the element of water, much like there is no light without the darkness. The journey has been nothing short of amazing. I cannot tell you how good it feels to be writing to all of you today. It is a breakthrough of epic proportions and makes my heart sing.

I must admit I cannot even mention the tower card these days without thinking of the last Pantheacon in February of 2020, where on the last night, they had a huge disco dance to images of the tower card. In retrospect, it sure seems to me that’s when so much tower energy entered our whole nation’s structure. Sometimes people know not what they do, as my mom would say. Maybe someday I will look up the attendees of that night and do a survey, but I digress. Just know I am on my way, transforming and becoming, and there will be more writing to come. I am ever grateful that all of you have stuck with me through it all. Many Blessing to everyone!