Personal contradictions and dualities


Personal contradictions and dualities

Every day social media asks the ultimate loaded question: “What is on your mind?” Well in the age of instantly knowing everything at once how can we not have too much on our minds? This highlights one of many dualities, how do we care about everything going on in the world and balance that with time for ourselves? I do not mean doing fun things with friends and family here. I mean us personally. In this fast-paced world taking time to feel, to grieve, to be happy, to cry, to enjoy a moment alone, time to let ourselves really feel everything we need to in order to properly think and process is not encouraged. That is until Covid.

During the lockdowns, the feelings we had stuffed from being so busy began to rise. Anger was at the forefront. Anger at the way the world was, anger at the way our jobs are or are not, housing, health, murder, civil rights and so much more. The onslaught of media has us angry at all of these things. Then we are angry at the politicians for not doing enough fast enough.

But here is the thing about that part. They can’t do enough fast enough no more than we can as an individual, and that is what angers us the most because it highlights how powerless and overwhelmed, we feel, so we project our feelings towards them and everyone.

There is an implied assumption fueled by the media that they should do more when we feel our world is such a mess. We forget they are people with emotions, health needs, and families that get overwhelmed or bogged down in rules and laws that we put in place. In our anger and sense of powerlessness, we forget that, so we blame, judge get angry, and lash out at everyone. Does that let them off the hook? No, but they need time we do not feel we can give them.

Rather than letting our anger and feelings run if we could acknowledge our sense of powerlessness and anger then begin to do something that we do have control over it would ease our anger and powerlessness. This would give us time to think, feel and simply be for a moment. Doing things like gardening, laundry, meditating, taking time to cry, grieve, laugh, do a hobby, getting the mail, changing the house around, go outside for five minutes, or most anything that is for us personally gives us solace, a sense of control and a sense of being right in our corner of the world.

When we participate in the fervor of the blame game on media, we forget we are responsible for giving ourselves solace and control. This is not the job of anyone outside of us, not politicians not loved ones, just ourselves. However, because we are human it is much easier to lash out at others or let ourselves be baited by others.

This happens simply because we are human, does that let us off the hook? No. No more than it does the politician. We are accountable for ourselves, our anger, our being judgmental, and for giving to ourselves, all of it. Is this easy? No! Are we bad people because we fall into these traps? Only if we do not pull ourselves out of them and take joy in it or let it become the person we are.

I think under all the anger and feeling of powerlessness, most people’s hearts and souls are quite different. I think more people than not say to themselves “It should not be this way” or “That is not how I really feel” or have remorse for something they said or did in a heated moment. When we feel this way it is the time for accountability.

That feeling is our que we have done something against our inner nature. To be accountable we can apologize or own our stuff in some fashion. That redemption is what keeps us liking ourselves and quells our anger. If we do not do this, we end up hating life, everything in it, and ourselves too. This leads to feeling even more powerless and it becomes a cycle.

I know we are not encouraged to admit we were wrong or did a bad thing. It is perceived as weak and we are taught it only opens us up to attack shame or rejection. Society has us fearing a societal consequence while ignoring the personal consequence which is much more destructive to our lives. We end up feeling miserable and hopeless. Then we act miserable because our emotions come out in our actions and words.

It took me a while to figure this all out and I am by no means perfect at it. But each day, in moderation, I do what I can to tell myself that taking care of myself, doing things for myself, is more important than anything or anyone. We have all seen what can happen when the individual goes too far with self-importance. I am talking about doing this in a healthy way, in moderation, with accountability, responsibility, and humility.

Humility is another taboo in our society. It too is a contradiction and duality the human being has. I once said confidence is symbiotic with arrogance and is difficult to temper with humility. But we as humans must temper it or we have all the things that have been discussed previously. We end up with what we see on social media. An attitude of “screw other people they do nothing for me.” We see disregard and dissolution with anyone perceived as an authority or someone offering their own view. Most on social media are people angrily yelling I matter more. This is because they have not turned their attention to themselves. Listened to themselves, loved themselves and they still think it is the job of others to make them feel valid.

It is not the job of others to make you feel as though you matter or that you are valid and heard, because they will always fall short of your expectations, only you can meet your own expectations fully. You will feel discounted and invalid until you validate yourself in a way only you can.

As I write that I am well aware many will take issue with my words and misunderstand them, all for the reasons stated above. When I say it is not the job of others to make sure you matter, I am not talking about civil rights, gender, or anything like that, I speak only of the inner self.

The human being is a complicated critter, and because of social conditioning and social media, our inner conflicts and dualities have only gotten more complicated. I have even had to address my own misogyny and behaviors that were conditioned into me as I grew up. I did so because I realized it was in direct conflict with my beliefs about gender, relationships, and love, and I have many more I need to deal with, we all do. It is lifetime work however, it is my self-acceptance and humility that allows me to say so openly without fear of what others will say because the kind of person I am matters the most to me, not them.

So, what keeps us in duality and contradictions that no longer serve us? Fear. Mostly what others think and social consequences. But the biggest one is the fear of change and the unknown. But here is the most obvious and unstated and unrecognized thing about that, rather we change or not we still have consequences. So the way I see it I would rather have consequences that are mine to deal with, consequences that come from me not others. This allows me to stop worrying about what others think or what they will do. It is an interesting duality to be sure.

In nature there is duality in all things, a light side a dark side, an upside a downside, a green side, and a dark green side. However, with nature, we embrace and accept that, we seldom accept that about ourselves or say it is ok because in our society it is a taboo to admit that about ourselves. If we admit our duality and contradictions, we are seen as broken or in need of mental health. I feel it is just who I am and it is my job to manage that the best I can. It is not the job of my friends, loved ones, social media, or the media to monitor those contradictions and dualities or even to give me advice about it.

The job of others is to see you as clearly as you see yourself and love you anyway. It is their job to trust that you are handling it because they will really know you when you are that transparent. If they do not, take care of you and move on in some fashion. Yet in human contradiction and duality, it is the human passion to point out someone else’s faults to them as though they are five years old.

It is true sometimes people do not see their duality and contradictions. If so and you are close to them then this is the time it is appropriate to offer insight. But you will not know if they are aware until you take a risk and ask first before assuming and telling them what you think they should do.

Another contradiction and duality is how far people will go to avoid what they perceive as conflict or to take the risk of being honest and speak up or ask a question. Again, fear puts us in this place. I do not fear this because I am the one dealing with me and any fallout is my responsibility, not theirs. It is the most liberating place I have ever been even when it makes those, I love uncomfortable.

People have tried for many years to keep me within their idea of safe and protected to no avail. They attempt this because it is comfortable for them to see others do as they would do. It validates their position, feelings, and perceptions. It also allows them to not face things that are different than what they would do or what they see as reasonable. The way my family raised me was the greatest contradiction of all. They raised me to be an honest free thinker and doer, that is until I was that way toward them because it made them face their own choices, words, and actions. This is the meaning behind the statement “others are a mirror of your own issues.”

In summary, we all have duality and contradictions because we are human and we are built that way, so we may as well accept that about ourselves and of others and make it work for us instead of feeling broken and quit fussing so much about how others do things on a personal level. Which is yet another contradiction and duality in the human being, we all want autonomy, many demand it, yet they spend so much time interfering with the autonomy of others. I find human beings to be complex, exhausting, and amusing creatures.



Continued from “Meeting Manannan”

“You must seek the Morrigan,” he said then he released me back to the sea, a signal the event was over and I woke up.

Still and spent I sat before the altar catching my breath and contemplating my encounter. I find myself thinking if Manannan is this intense I should wait a while before encountering the Morrigan. I begin giving gratitude for the encounter with him by lighting sweet grass. I pour eclipse water and some water from Bridget’s well a friend brought me from Ireland in the chalice and think of how to proceed with the Morrigan. Then I take a sip from the chalice to her in acknowledgment thinking, “soon lady soon”

As I swallow the waters, I begin to feel an immediate psychic response and once again get transported back into trance. My consciousness is not in control. It is like I am observing myself. I pull the scarf over my head and put my head down with my hands up toward the altar. The Morrigan has arrived. I can feel her forceful power before me and within me. Clairvoyantly I see her in every detail standing before me. I lower myself in her mighty presence, hands up. She looks down at me and says “You will stand with me in sovereignty and she compels me to physically stand up.

My legs are asleep from being on the floor for the last hour or so from the previous working and do not want to work. All of this is going through my mind as I hear her command “You are Fae, you are Tuatha De Dannon you will stand! True to self and ancestor!

Shakily I rise. Once I am at full height and facing her she touches my chest with her spear. My chest thrust forward, my head fell back, my arms went wide. I feel her sovereign power coursing through me. Clairvoyantly I see her history running through my mind like a fast-moving film clip. My body is suspended that way as she transports me to her side in trance.

“Are you a sovereign being?” she asks. Yes! “Are you of the people?” She asks. I knew she meant her people. Yes! “ Are you a warrior of the people? Yes! I reply.

Suddenly my physical body collapses to the floor. In trance I am now face down at her feet. She stands above me with her spear pointed down at me and she commands me to swear fealty to her.

I cry out to Odin whom I had been very close with. I see him present behind her, he looks on quietly saying nothing, looking disappointed. She commands fealty again and my body feels pain as her spear touches me. I did not want to swear fealty, so I swear sovereignty with her. I feel the pain as she spears me again. She asks for fealty again and I say I will stand with you. In that moment I see Odin turn his back and my heart breaks at the gesture.

I thought swearing sovereignty with her and saying I would stand with her was a way around swearing fealty to her and no other. That might be so in the world of humans but apparently not so in the world of the gods.

As I lay l there crying from the experience and the pain still face down, I clairvoyantly see Odin. He says, “You cannot have us both, you swore an oath to her” and he leaves.

In my time working with the Morrigan she helped me be strong when I really needed it. She helped to keep me focused on what I need for success in life. When that work was done it was difficult to get released from her fealty/oath. But it was more difficult getting back into Odin’s good graces once I did. I had many trials to face, but that is another story.



I start my blog with gnosis because most of what occurs in the world of Psychism, Witchcraft and magic are UPG”s. In the event I describe below in “Meeting Manannan” you will get a firsthand look at what a UPG experience can be like. Many psychics call them spontaneous events.


Gnosis is Greek for knowledge. Unverified Personal Gnosis refers to an experience that is spiritual in nature. One that helps clarify or add information to a person’s spiritual beliefs but cannot be verified by known mythology. A UPG can take many forms, trance, a gut feeling, a sudden revelation, a dream, an epiphany, or any form of a psychic or spiritual event. UPG can fill in the gaps that spirituality sometimes leaves. It is not something you make up or something you think is true. Rather, it is something you believe or know is true because you had the experience and you trust the source or event, even though you cannot prove it in any way. The majority of what occurs in magic, psychism, and witchcraft is considered a UPG.


I remember working with Manannan or Manann (also known as Manannan mac Lir), the Celtic God of the Sea. I had been exploring my connections to the Fae through dreamwork. It began with a dream where my being a child of the oak was significant and I was trying to research it to see if it was a real thing or not. Prior to this event in my weeks of research Hecate, came to me and said, “Seek the Fae.” Then my spirit guide later came and told me to seek the Fae. With the message now clear I sought out the Fae.

I knew exactly where to go, to the Fae Goddess I had been to many times before. The home of the Fae Goddess is a place that holds all four seasons on an astral plane. When I visit there I typically arrive on a moonlit winter night. Soon after my arrival a horseman jumps over a snowbank in a bluster and guides me along the path. The seasons along the path change from winter to fall, to summer, and end with spring in a meadow. Typically, once I get to the spring meadow I get to speak to the Goddess.

It was not so this time. When I arrived, it was a bleak winter night without snow or moonlight. This was unsettling and I had to call for the horseman. When he did arrive, he just appeared behind me startling me even more. He asked what I wanted, and I told him I was here to learn about the children of the Oak. He pointed to the path which was unusually dark and formidable and I was uncomfortable.

Previously when I have walked this path there have been shadow people running alongside the path at some distance. They seem to be hunched over like Neanderthals and follow along and watch me. This time one noticed me the same time I noticed it and walked up onto the path before me. The horseman pulled up between us and asked me “What you want of them?” “To no longer fear them and give respect” I replied and the horseman withdrew.

In the silent darkness, I gazed at the shadow person for a moment. I was trying to scan the situation to see what I should do next. As I did I noticed I had no fear, so I told the creature, “I do not fear you old one, and I mean you no harm”. I felt a sense of relaxation from the creature and it straightened to its full 8 ft height. “What do you wish of me?” it asked” “Only to know you” I replied as I bowed my head slightly.

Then through telepathic clairvoyance, the shadow person showed me about its creation. It revealed that the shadow people are the original people of the chaos. The shared vision of their exit from the chaos was extraordinary. The shadow person telepathically implied that Manannan had brought them out of chaos with him and they are now Manannan’s watchers. They are how Manannan knows all, and he showed me a clairvoyant vision of how they watch people for him. Then it slowly walked off the path.

I proceeded down the path into the season of fall when I heard a voice below me. I looked down and it was a rock angrily screaming at me. “Do not kick me! you always kick me!” The rock has never spoken to me before. So, I knelt before the rock and made amends then moved on. I have never been so aware or involved with the journey as I have on this trip.

At the bend in the path, there is a place I have been told is forbidden. The horseman will not let me in there. As I pass by it looks like Fae are in there dancing and having a party. This time I asked if I could enter. “ It is not for you” the horseman replied. “May I at least see them?” I asked and he allowed this.

I was aghast at the creatures; they were not dancing Fairies! They were more like Gollums and it was clear they were not nice as they began approaching the fence. Suddenly I noticed the Goddess who usually in the meadow, was now between myself and the Gollums.

I began to feel a bubble of protection surrounding me as she stood there. She then informed me these beings were the darkest and most dangerous of the Fae. “We keep them contained and sup them with food and drink so they can do no harm,” she said.

The next thing I know the Goddess and I are in the spring meadow. It is a beautiful spring day, with plants all around and some of them are talking as we begin to chat. I ask the Goddess about the children of the Oak and she says, “You must seek Manannan and the Morrigan then return to the Oak from which you come.” Then I was released from the event.

The oak from which I come can only mean the Oak trees I spent so much time in as a child. The Morrigan? Well, books here I come.

I began this pathworking around 8:30 am. When I walked into the living room it was 1:45 pm. Below is my next working on my journey to find an answer about the children of the oak several days later.

I sat before a low altar in trance seeking Manannan and I was transported to a beach. It was a moonlit night and the sea was stormy. I looked out on the sea and felt beckoned to come forth. As my eyes searched the sea, I saw an old boat floating some distance away. I considered using it to travel to Manannan. However, I decided to jump into the sea.

I swam out and was met by a group of Undines, they are the Elemental spirits of Water. Most think of them as mermaids. I was filled with child-like awe at their beauty and overjoyed at the honor of being allowed to swim with them. However, my joy quickly changed to fear as their temperament changed and became aggressive.

I no longer felt safe and supported and stories of mermaids flooded my mind as the sea whipped angrily. Full of fear, the image of the boat came to mind and I struggled to swim toward it through the angry sea. When I was finally able to grab the boat my grip kept slipping. While struggling to get in suddenly a hand reached out and pulled me in. It was Manannan.

“Why did you jump into the water? He asked” “To be in your realm instead of my own” I replied timidly. “Few pass the test to reach me as you have. You knew the dangers of the Undines and the sea and still, you came. What is it you seek?” “To know the origins of the spirit within me” I replied. He told me the Tuatha Dé Danann were my people and showed me their stories of creation and war through clairvoyant visions, I could see it all. “You must seek the Morrigan,” he said then he released me back to the sea, a signal the event was over and I woke up.

In my next entry, I will tell the tale of meeting The Morrigan and the outcome of my search.

Blog Intro


By Cat Gina Cole


Blog Introduction

Why did I start a blog? I wanted a place to write freely, and a place to reach the whole spectrum of people rather than a specific group.

I am almost 62 and at my age, I have few filters left so I am rather direct in my approach. I offer my insights and experiences because I think there are people who will identify and relate. People whom my experience might help, and for the people, it will simply entertain.

So, who am I and why would you want to read what I have to say? Well, I have lived a full and colorful life. Many of the things I have done may seem fantastic, shocking, or unbelievable, but they are verifiable in their own way. As you read keep in mind, that I have never been someone who feared much of anything let alone consequences or other people.

Much of my magical life is in my book Psychic Skills for Magic and Witchcraft, and magic and witchcraft will be a big part of this blog too because it is what I live.

In my personal life, I became a sexual survivor at age four. We lived in the country and I was raised like a boy. I raised rabbits for meat, I was in 4-H, I rode horses, and we had a food garden we all participated in. I hunted and fished with my dad and helped to butcher the dear. I learned to shoot a gun safely when I was 6. It was needed out there for many reasons. I even used to go under the house with my dad when there was a need.

That was all fine and I was happy until I was 13. One day I was so bold as to tell my mom that if I had been born a boy I would never be bored because I would have a certain bit of anatomy to play with. Well, that was that! I was off to conversion therapy to make sure I knew I was a girl. It did not go well, and neither did her attempt at putting me in catholic school the following year. Then when I was 15 mom encouraged me to get married and leave the house.

Over these many years, I have run with bikers, skinned mink for a job, been a truck driver, worked in caregiving, been a waitress, a bartender, a bouncer, and worked on the carnival. In one ten-year span, I held 100 jobs, because I often worked two jobs to get by. I have been a witness to a murder, been in protective custody, struck by lightning, and survived cancer. It is all part of my colorful life and what made me who I am, which I happen to be very happy with.

In the 90s I went to college and became a dual diagnosis counselor on the streets of Portland Oregon. I say the streets because I worked in places like the detox, and methadone clinics. I also worked at the Salvation Army men’s shelter that only took people from prison and the mental hospital.

To me, this is the street level and it is where I love being. It is also the reason I quit being a counselor in an office. I never felt those running the clinics and programs really understood what it was like being on the streets. But let me tell you when you are in a fleabag hotel in Portland with your 3yr. old son, eating at the Sisters of the Road Café on Burnside while you look for work, you get it.

While I have been through some very heavy stuff, there have also been some very wonderful and magical things that are equally fantastic. All of which make for some very interesting stories. I believe that giving them away freely gives it all a positive purpose. If my writing gives solace, laughter, understanding, enlightenment, love, and acceptance to even one person then I have succeeded. I hope you join me for the journey.

Many Blessings to all!